Advice to Parents of Struggling Students

1)  Focus on effort, not the grade.  The grade is the indicator, but the effort represents a student's desire, standards, and work ethic.  Most grade issues can be resolved with support for increased effort.  It's important that a child not feel shamed or judged or feel like their value is just as a number.  Focus on the whole child.

2)  Appropriate rewards and consequences.  Different kids have different token economies:  video game time, access to social events, etc.  Success in school should translate to an increase in privileges, and poor effort or organization can likewise be translated into consequences and a loss of privilege.  With this strategy it's important to be fair and consistent, with expectations clearly state up front as specifically as possible, as well as whatever system you want to put in place.  If it appears arbitrary, capricious, or made up on the fly inconsistently, the process will fail.  Sometimes it takes a lot of rebellion or avoidance before they "get it," so be prepared to be the rock of consistency.

3)  Keep the positivity up, the negativity down.  A child is not their grades.  Love them, laugh with them, have fun with them... and they will WANT to work hard to please you.  If they always feel ashamed, embarrassed, or under scrutiny and attack, they will simply shut down, avoid, or cover up their mistakes.  It's okay to screw up.  Middle school is all about making mistakes and learning from them.  It's okay to fail sometimes if that failure becomes a tool for understanding and growth.  Middle school is a safe place to take the training wheels off.  Better to fall on your face sometimes here than in high school.

4) Find the right balance between being a hands-off parent and a helicopter parent.  Tweens are a moving target, and last week they might have needed more hands-on and this week may need to straighten up and fly right on their own.  As parents and teachers we need to always do this dance, of modulating our desire to demonstrate our commitment and caring with our need to build up their independence, responsibility, self-advocacy, and self-regulation.  Recognize this as a dance, recognize your own perspective, and find what works.

5)  Keep the focus on the child and not the teacher.  It's great to communicate with me and your kid's other teachers and we welcome the dialog.  However, if the teacher and the parent are doing all of the problem solving over late assignments, needing more time, qualifying expectations, etc., then the most important stake holder is being left out of the loop.  Generally I will walk through a plan or strategy after listening very closely to a parent, but then always, always recommended that the onus of movement, of action, of communication be placed back upon the shoulders of the student.  As adults, we should know how to identify and solve problems, but we don't want to deprive a son or daughter of a chance to develop this skill for themselves.